RESILIENCE

I am a woman of pain.

What i want is one day to day that I am okay and that there is nothing else in this world that I can ever ask for. But until that day comes, at least I have you to vent it all out.

I use to share these things to my friends. But I guess they have grown tired of listening to the same story over and over again when I don't listen to everything that they say. So I stopped and decided to suck it in and just keep everything to myself.

This is an epic picture of me in self pity. Undeniably I have done this a millon times over the same insensitive human being (if he is) who has done nothing but torture me in pain and make me feel worthless.

Lord, please give the strength to say NO. Coz' evrytime I look at him I can't. Instead of walking away, I end up begging for his love. Begging for him not to let go. Begging for him to stay.

I want to grown tired of begging for love coz' I know i deserve more than what I am getting from him now. I want to grow tired of asking him to stay when all he wants is to let go. I want to grow tired of him.

I want to tell him that I am letting go, stand up, and walk away and never look back. I want him to come running after me and I won't look back. I want him to beg for my love and all I can tell him is "I'm sorry, I've done enough and there is nothing more that I can give". I want him to feel every inch of self pity, pain and worthlessness that I am feeling right now and more. I want him to cry until he rans out of tears to cry. I want him to regret ever hurting me and ever letting me go. That's what I want.

But last night he made me feel that this is never gonna happen. Whatever pain he's caused me that's nothing compared to the pain that the past women of his life has gone through. He's not gonna regret everything he's ever done to me since that's NOTHING to him. It's just nothing... I am NOTHING.

So this very day, I will celebrate my ULTIMATE MOURNING DAY. When all I can do is wallow in self pity, feel the depth of my worthlessness. In solitary I will feel all this. I will feel this until the day I wake up and get up and tell the world... I AM EVERYTHING!